


in the stillness of remembering

by earlymorningechoes



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Circle of Magi, F/M, Grey Wardens, No Dialogue, Snapshots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 11:35:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10333775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlymorningechoes/pseuds/earlymorningechoes
Summary: Snapshots of a life. Fiona is a woman with fire in her bones, rage in her heart, and all too often tears in her eyes.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bendingwind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bendingwind/gifts).



> Happy Wintersend!
> 
> Major character death warning is for implied death of leaving Alistair in the Fade. Marked as Fiona/Maric because it's there, but it's not a central part of the story.

    She feels freer than she ever has when she gets to the Circle, for a time. There are nine other girls in the dormitory, all human, some older and close to their Harrowings and some younger. They all avoid her at first, the only elf in the tower, looking down their noses and out of the corners of their eyes. She hears the whispers after lights-out. She avoids them, too, and startles at anyone who has the misfortune to come near her. But then one morning in lessons the fireball that grows around her hands is so large and controlled that even Enchanter Celeste smiles, and the whispers quiet for a time.

    But they return, even as Fiona builds friendships among the humans, and she begins to chafe. The ever-present eyes of the templars bore into her from every direction, and the whispers of mages she does not call friends crawl across her skin everywhere she goes. She tries to keep her head down, studying diligently, but the fire inside her continues to burst out, in words and in magic. Enchanter Celeste does not approve, and in frustration Fiona learns how to provoke the older woman's ire to feel some sort of control.  

    She is nineteen when she passes her Harrowing, battling the terror demon that tries to trap her in memories of before. The templars are so close around her when she awakens that she nearly punches one in fear, and later she wishes she had. They give her the inlaid lyrium-and-silver ring that means she passed with barely-concealed disgust on their faces (because she is an elf or a mage, or both, she isn't sure), and a Tranquil waiting outside leads her to her new room in the mages’ quarters. It's small, but it's _hers_ , and she flops down onto the narrow bed with a tumble of emotions ringing in her head.

    A few years later, as Fiona studies for her enchanter exams and begins to teach the apprentices, a pair of Grey Wardens appear in the Great Hall. Everyone - from the senior enchanters and the templars down to the newest apprentice - crowds into the balconies to watch the Knight-Commander and First Enchanter’s meeting with these figures of legend. When their purpose comes out, and everyone hears that they are looking to recruit mages into their ranks, such a buzz starts that the templars herd everyone back to their lessons and research.

    Fiona bides her time, waiting until the perfect moment - and then one of her apprentices returns from her Harrowing with a sunburst tattoo blending into her dark skin. Unable to wait any longer, Fiona creeps through the darkened hallways to the guest quarters and strides into the Wardens’ room, holding herself as tall as her tiny frame will allow. They seem confused at first, but she begs to be allowed to join them with rage in her heart, fire in her bones, and tears in her eyes.

    They say yes.

\-------------

    The freedom she feels after the Joining is tempered, not by the corruption in her veins or the terrible nightmares or even the death of the young archer - Jonah - who took the Joining with her. She is used to terrible nightmares, and she has seen death and she has caused death, and she is not afraid of it. But she is afraid, even as she lies on open ground and can see the stars spread above her, that she has only given herself to another cage.

    The Wardens do not only fight darkspawn physically, she finds - in the absence of a Blight, when there are fewer darkspawn on the surface, they turn to more scholarly pursuits. Fiona finds herself studying even more than she had for her exams, learning all she can about how darkspawn work and theorizing about how to eliminate them.

    But she prefers the physical training - honing her spells and strengthening her body - by a wide margin. She learns the basics of hand-to-hand fighting from a dwarf called Utha, as well as the hand signs she uses to communicate, and how to shoot a bow from a man with unnerving pale eyes called Kell. The Warden-Commander gives her a staff of polished whitewood, warm in her hands, and another mage teaches her how to use it as a weapon. She relishes in the blisters and callouses on her hands that spell strength.

    There are other elves, other mages, even leading and commanding groups of mostly humans. They teach her to stand straight and hold her staff high, and the fire in her bones burns hotter when she thinks of the mages in the tower who will never get to learn these lessons. She tries to formulate a plan to help, to undermine the templars or break the Chantry’s stranglehold, but all her ideas come up empty. She is no longer afraid that she has put herself in another cage, but worries instead that she will never see others break free of theirs.

    Warden-Commander Bregan goes to the Deep Roads for his Calling, and his sister Genevieve takes his place. Everything is a whirlwind, after that - they travel to Val Royeaux on a recruiting trip, Fiona excited because she's never seen the capital and apprehensive from stories about the White Spire, and the reality is beyond her expectations. Then one of their own is murdered, and Genevieve asks Fiona to oversee the Joining of the murderer. She says no.

    She does it anyways, her hands shaking in anger and fear as the murderer and the other boy both survive the night and her mind screaming at the injustice of it all. But Genevieve does not listen to her protests.

\-------------

    They travel back to Ferelden, just her and Duncan and the baby, and she tries to keep herself from getting too attached to the small child she carries on her back. Even with his human features and blond hair, she can still see herself in him - her golden-brown skin reflected in that of her son and his curious, searching eyes noticing everything from his carrier or her arms.

    The journey from Weisshaupt is long and sometimes painful, Fiona's body protesting at riding on horseback and carrying her son. Neither she nor Duncan feels much for talking, and she lets her mind flicker back through the memories of the two years she's known him, the three years she's been a Warden, and how much her life has changed. The baby begins to cry, jolting her out of her thoughts, and she wonders again what will happen to them all when they reach Denerim.

    Maric is expecting them, but he knows little of their reasons for coming. Duncan leaves the two of them, as she's asked, but their speech is stilted and awkward, especially when she explains that she will be returning to Weisshaupt for good, Calling or no Calling. After long moments, she calls Duncan back in, and Maric is shocked when he realizes that the bundle he's handed is a child - his child.

    She asks him to find a place for her son, their son, somewhere away from both the alienage and the palace. He concedes, and her heart breaks no matter how much she knows this is best. One last time, she kisses him, the King of Ferelden, and then she and Duncan slip away into the night, one less bundle to carry. She wonders if the child - her son - will inherit the fire in her bones.

    She doesn't know it, not until much later, but he does.

\-------------

    Fiona returns to Montsimmard a changed woman in many ways, but it often seems as if the only way anyone notices is that she is no longer a Warden. There are still whispers, as always, but now they are equally as awestruck as they are derogatory. None of the others know what it means to be let go from the Grey Wardens (although, in truth, neither does she), but they are all clambering over themselves to find out.

    She does not respond to their questions in the ways they expect, choosing instead to throw herself wholeheartedly back into Circle life. Having never finished her enchanter exams before her Joining, she studies again, alternately relishing and regretting the lack of darkspawn in her books. Passing easily, she takes up teaching again, trying to pass the fire in her bones to her students, trying to tell them that they are worth something.

     _The Maker doesn't hate you_ , she thinks one evening as the sun sets outside their classroom window, their templar chaperone on the opposite side of the room, and she doesn't realize she's spoken allowed until she receives disbelieving looks from her four apprentices, three humans and an elf. The templar by the door looks over at that moment and she gives him a wan smile, wishing again that she had a way to fight back at him without endangering the children she protects. She dares not say more, not while the templar is watching, but she squeezes the shoulder of each apprentice as they pass her to go eat.

    She will not let another of her students return with a sunburst burned into their forehead. Her lessons are tough, and she pushes the children beyond what they think they can do, but it's all worth it when she sees them no longer scared of the power in their hands. And no more of her students return Tranquil.

    Enchanter Fiona becomes Senior Enchanter Fiona, and eventually Senior Enchanter becomes First Enchanter. Her duties change drastically, and she has far less contact with the young apprentices than before. She watches her former students become enchanters in their own right, and her heart swells with pride every time one of them hesitates a split second before demurring to a templar.

    The years pass. The fire and rage inside her never dim, but she hides them in words and deeds that protect her mages no matter the outcome. The Montsimmard Circle has always been active in the Grand Game, and Fiona learns how to maneuver her pieces both in public and behind the scenes. Her methods and ideas clash with some of her fellows, especially a woman newly arrived from Ostwick called Vivienne, but she gets things done. And eventually, when the elderly Grand Enchanter in Cumberland steps down, they ask her to stand for election. She says yes.

    They say yes, too.

\-------------

    Kirkwall rebels. It is messy, caused by an apostate with a bomb (a Warden, she hears, and the emotions that tumble through her head are more than she can bear), and so so many people die. The Champion of Kirkwall prevents Knight-Commander Meredith from invoking the Right of Annulment, but it is little consolation when they find out that the Knight-Commander had been corrupted by some new and dangerous form of lyrium. Many mages die even without the Right, and the rest of the Circles spiral into uncertainty.

    She calls a conclave of the College of Enchanters, and mages from the far ends of Thedas pour into Cumberland. There are so many voices, calling for every kind of response to the Kirkwall Rebellion, and the fire in her bones burns even hotter as she pushes for a vote for independence. Vivienne, elected First Enchanter at Montsimmard when Fiona left for Cumberland, works tirelessly from her position outside the fraternities to push her ideas for keeping Chantry oversight - but it is Wynne, hero of the Fifth Blight, and her urgings of caution that cause the College to reject Fiona's notion. And for all their debating, the templars disband the College when the First Enchanters return to the Circles.

    Everything changes. A year passes, everyone carefully watching everyone else, and then the Divine calls another conclave, this time at the White Spire. To discuss Tranquility, she says, and Fiona remembers every Tranquil mage she's seen over her many years in the Circle.

    The White Spire falls too, everyone running and fighting against the templars and the Lord Seeker in confusion. A mage from the Spire, a redheaded woman whose name she can’t remember, helps Fiona escape, leading her through the battle and out into the city streets.

    Not enough of them make it to Andoral’s Reach - she finds out later that even Wynne lies among the dead - and her heart aches for those left behind in the tower and in the gutters of Val Royeaux. But she cannot let the others see her stumble, because she calls for another vote, one more try for independence. It is close, so close, broken only because there are more Aequitarians than any other fraternity and newly-appointed Rhys reverses his mother’s decisions.

    She declares it fair, because this is their chance, and she will not let it slip through her hands again.

\-------------

    The Herald comes to Redcliffe, a Dalish elf with a pair of wicked daggers strapped to her back. She says she's met Fiona in Val Royeaux recently, that the Grand Enchanter invited her here to discuss an alliance, and a fog of confusion dawns - Fiona believes she hasn't been in the capital since the Spire fell, but something feels false when she explains this to the younger woman. It is no matter, for the magister arrives then, and he takes over the negotiations until his son takes ill and he asks their visitors to leave.

    A week later the Inquisition returns, the Herald and her associates joining the magister and Fiona for a meeting in the throne room. Astonishingly, the Herald does seem sincere when she suggests Fiona be part of the negotiations for the mages’ future - but then she immediately seems to be stalling, asking the magister pointed questions to keep his attention focused completely on her.

    Everything happens in a flash: Inquisition agents start to take out all of the magister’s guards, giving the Herald the upper hand, and then suddenly she and another Tevinter mage are thrown into a rift. It closes behind them as everyone starts to scream, and a look of triumph flashes across the magister’s face, until a moment later another rift tears open and the Herald and the mage tumble out, looking much the worse for wear.

    The screaming continues until the Herald holds up a hand, the tattoos on her face contorting wildly in the candlelight as she looks around the room. A beat of silence reigns, and then Queen Anora sweeps into the room and rescinds her offer of sanctuary. The Herald, looking tired, offers a full alliance instead.

    Fiona, of course, says yes.

\-------------

    The Warden who arrives with the Champion of Kirkwall is her son, Alistair, the fire in his bones blue to the orange of her own. Templar, she remembers, and her heart sinks before she remembers that she met former templars in her own Warden days, the ones who had forsworn mage-hunting. She watches him from afar, watches him interact with old friends and new, the weight of the world on his shoulders just the way it has always been on hers.

    She wants nothing more than to talk to him. But instead she stays hidden in the library, trying not to let anyone know that she has any connection to the the lone Warden (although she is sure the spymaster knows, the spymaster with a soft spot for Wardens). It is quiet in the library, most of the time, and she pretends to be studying or helping others while she watches.

    He leaves for the Western Approach without a backward glance, flanked by the Inquisitor and the Champion, and her heart breaks as she rails against her own fears. Life proceeds as it usually does when the Inquisitor is gone, except that her advisors have gone as well, and Fiona tries to put Alistair out of her mind.

    He doesn't come back, and the fire in her bones threatens to go out from all the tears she cries.

\-------------

    The Breach is closed, Corypheus defeated, and the spymaster - Sister Leliana - is made the new Divine. One of her first acts is to dissolve the Circles, an act Fiona can barely believe, and even though the start is rocky, they are able to form the College again, as a real governing body to protect their own. Thedas is wary, as is to be expected, but with the might of the Divine behind them the mages flourish.

    Fiona watches children taught to be proud of themselves, not to fear the ice and fire and lightning that flows from their hands. She sees families embracing, not torn apart by the templars, and elderly mages out of their towers for the first time in a long time, re-learning how to understand the world outside.

    There is a lot of pain, wherever she looks, but so much hope too. Even she, who has lost so much, cannot help but look forward to their new tomorrows. The fire in her bones, never dimmed, has a new purpose now - she regains the callouses on her hands from her Warden days, both through training other mages they are worthy of protecting themselves (even as old as she is), and through the hard work of rebuilding lives shattered by oppression and war, traversing the south to help rebuild.

    Every evening she finds a hill, or a second or third floor, and she looks out over the land. It is scarred, just as she is, just as everyone is, but she can still tell that there is fire and ice and renewal tucked inside. She breathes in, and breathes out, and the world does not end.

    After a lifetime of regrets, she will hold onto this with both hands, and she will not let go.


End file.
